This past weekend I went to a conference for women called, “If”.
Named for the simple question, “If God is real, then what?”
So, for two days I listened to women speak about what they’ve done with the calling on their lives: how to take steps of faith, how to be courageous in this life, how to follow God’s calling.
How to trust HIM.
It was wonderful. I learned, I bonded, I ate. . . a lot.
And at the end of the conference they asked each of us to pray about what our next step should be and write it down.
So I did.
At least I tried.
I curled up in my chair, closed my eyes, and prayed.
And then I waited…
I got nothing.
I waited and waited, I begged God for direction. “What do you need me for, God? Use me please! I’m so ready, lead me and I promise I will follow.”
And I got nothing.
So I waited, and I waited, and I waited.
Finally it was time to wrap things up. Music was over, lights were coming on, and I still hadn’t written anything.
So, I wrote the only thing I could think of:
(well, that’s a pretty lame “step” to take if you ask me.)
Sometimes, when I’m on the phone or having a conversation, and my kids try to talk to me I give them a stern look that means, “wait”.
I don’t even have to say it. The lack of response on my end is clear enough. It is not their turn yet, they need to wait.
I feel ready to jump into something big. “God, call me across the globe, ask me to take on something grand, to write a book, speak at a conference, just give me a path.”
I want a ministry that’s beautiful, and big, and measurable.
And while I firmly believe that the people who have had the biggest impact on my faith have been the quiet, small, behind-the-scenes folks who never get noticed—the truth is. . . I don’t want to be one of them.
I want to know I’m making a difference.
I want to see it, feel it, check it off a list.
And I’m ready, but I think…
God might be telling me to wait.
(whoosh, the sound of all the wind leaving my sails.)
What a depressing word.
I don’t wanna wait.
I was a life-guard all through high school and I remember, everyday, all the kids lining up around the edge of the pool, toes dipping in, simply aching to be allowed into the clear deep water. Anxious to escape the heat.
Desperate to jump in.
I would smile while I slowly raised my whistle to signal that it was time for open swim, relishing the power, enjoying the anticipation of all the young smiling faces.
The whistle would sound and the still waters would erupt with the roars and waves. The energy of a hundred eager bodies, finally allowed to participate in the very act they were made to do.
I feel that.
I’m standing at the edge. I’m so anxious to dive in. I’m just waiting for my signal.
Where you lead me, LORD, I will follow.
If you lead me, LORD, I will go.
Guys, that’s a big If.
If you lead me. But what if he doesn’t.
What if he wants me to stay put.
Just hold on. Just wait.
IF God is real, then what?
IF He leads me to wait. . . then what?
It’s a big if.