I’ve got a theory… and I’m in a crisis…

Not a fully flushed out theory, mind you–just some thoughts that have been swimming around my head lately.

And not a real crisis, just teetering on the edge of the unknown…

I’m a middle child.  I am quite literally smack dab in the middle.

Equal distance between my older sister and my younger brother.  5 and a 1/2 years each way, give or take a day.

My older brother and I actually share the middle spot and we can argue all day about who was the more quintessential ‘middle-child’.  (Which we do, of course.)

He argues that his path through rebellion, and hardship was more typical of a ‘middle-child’.  Plus, there’s the fact that he was only ‘the baby’ for 2 1/2 years while I was the baby for over 5.

I argue that his rebellion caused me to be that much more of an after thought, (are there any videos of me on the dance team??? or photos???  No, because we are too busy trying to keep tabs on your big-brother.)

AND, although there are two boys and two girls in our family, he was the oldest boy.  Thus, he still got to be first in a lot of ways, while I was the second girl.  Been there done that with the first daughter, ya know.  (Plus, she does everything better.)

Does this all sound whinny, cause it should.  That’s what I’m going for.

Didn’t you say you had a theory, Trina?

Why, Yes I did.

When you’re the middle child you are constantly looking forward or backward.  Looking forward to finally being big like your older sibling–or looking back at how sweet it used to be in your younger sibling.

Never as cool as the older, never as cute as the younger.

I think this makes it easy for the middle-child to grow up never fully embracing the present.

I have spent my whole life looking forward.  I’ve been making decision, for as long as I can remember, based on who I wanted to “someday” be.

I knew I wanted to have a family.  It has ALWAYS been my priority.

I have been crazy determined and focused on that goal for as long as I can remember.

I cannot put into words how incredibly grateful I am that I’ve always had this focus.  Being Adam’s wife, and the mother of these two humans brings me immense joy everyday.

However, in the last few weeks it has become clear to me that my ‘future goal’ has become my present reality, and it’s time to come up with the answer to “What’s next?”

And I’m in shock.

All these years I’ve wanted a family, but I definitely never thought I’d only have two kids. I had just assumed that this baby-makin’ phase would last longer, which meant my ‘stay-at-home’ job would last longer, which meant my “what’s next?” answer wouldn’t be necessary until I was much older.

When I would obviously already know the answer to that question.

And everything else happened exactly as I planned: Got married young, had kids young, had a boy first and 2 1/2 years later had a girl.  Just liked I’d always wanted…

But 2 1/2 years after my girl I did not have my second boy. . . followed 2 1/2 years later by my second girl…

Which woulda meant that I wouldn’t be back to work until 2021 when I’d be 38 and obviously old enough to know what was “next”. . .

But right now.

At this age . . .

I have no idea.

I never dreamed about the woman I’d be when my kids where in school.

Other then, ‘aging gracefully’ I’ve had zero thoughts.

Guys, I’M IN CRISIS MODE!!

The hubs and I have been having many talks about this.  Adam gently nudging me towards some sort of ‘plan’ and me staring back at him blankly with an ‘I-have-no-idea’ zombie-fear.

I’ve been so convinced that God would bring me these other two children I’ve so desperately dreamed and prayed for, that I’ve just refused to plan for anything else.

And yet, I find myself one year away from two full time school age kids and no more babies.

My toes are on the edge of a new adventure and I’m peering over the cliff, no idea what I’m about to jump into. . . with only a few months to prepare.

I’ve been prepping for family and motherhood for 30 years.  How on earth am I going to get a new plan for my life in so little time?

This is from Rising Strong by Brene Brown.

And it rings true for me.

I’m in the middle of writing my new story.

The story where my family is small.  The story where my ‘work-life’ begins years ahead of schedule.  The story of who I am right now, in this place.

The present.

Not looking forward, not glancing back.  Just right here, in the middle.

Oh Lordy,  I need your guidance, cause I’m freaking out over here.

Wish me luck folks.

Or better yet, just tell me what to do.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

About trinakhobbs

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This entry was posted in Blessings, Celebration, Children, faith and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I’ve got a theory… and I’m in a crisis…

  1. Live Bravely says:

    When I look at Trina:
    I see art and creativity and compassion.
    You are nurturing….as a women who has never had children, I am still very aware that this is my calling and my ability even without having offspring of my own. It’s an atmosphere we create, you know?
    I see an Etsy store or a non- profit, or the ability to be a resource to so many people around you. You are a rockstar with kids…that aren’t your own (and of course your own). You are bright; you are capable. Friend, you are going to be just fine. Do something today that feeds your creativity. Ask God to inspire the work of your hands. He will bless it and lead you forward.
    Though in different stations, what you are talking about it the American human condition. All I know is how God created you is to make things beautiful and safe….though I don’t know how that will all play out, I feel like those two words will be crucial to your upcoming mission statement.
    You’re loved, Trina.

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