Broken Hallelujah: Thoughts on failure and heartbreak

This year has had one distinct and crushing theme.

Heartbreak.

I have made a terrible habit of ignoring the still-small voice inside of me, what some might refer to as “women’s intuition” but I believe to be the Spirit of God.  And because of my dangerous insistence on second guessing my gut instincts I have allowed an unnecessary amount of heartbreak to infiltrate my family and tear apart our foundation.

I am broken.

Hallelujah.

I recently turned 33.  The age my father was when he passed.  The age my mother was when she suffered her miscarriage.  The age Jesus was when he was crucified.

There is a theme there.  And it is death.

A forced change in its most unpleasant form.

These past few months have been the hardest of my life.  I am being forced to change, to reevaluate, to allow parts of myself to die.

It’s brutal.

And it is beautiful.

I know I will look back on this time as the turning point.  The time when everything had to get a whole lot worse before it got better.

Guys.

I have been betrayed and broken in a very public and heartbreaking way.  The people I held closest to me have turned their backs and it hurts.

It hurts.

Damn it all, it hurts so bad.

And yet.  I have been surrounded by others who didn’t have to show me kindness, but did anyway.

I bask in that beauty.

Folks have stepped into my mess of a life without concern for how it might affect them and spoke truth to me,

over me,

for me.

I am forever grateful.

I have received books, and emails.  Coffee and HUGE donuts.

I have had tragic phone calls, and home visits with my counselor.

(you know your broken when your counselor will drive two hours to your home just to talk you down from the ledge.)

I haven’t felt, until now, that I had the ability to write or share anything about all this.  I didn’t trust myself to be civil for one.  (Lets be honest, I wrote plenty.  But praise Jesus, I’ve been able to gather myself before sharing any of it.)

But I also wanted to wait until this shame had passed from me.  Share my story from an already redeemed platform.

Already whole.

No longer broken.

But I am not.

I believe I am slowly working towards it, but I am definitely still raw.  Vulnerable and exposed,

but clinging to hope.

There’s a verse in Psalms 84: 5-7 that my pastor spoke on this past Sunday:

“Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
    they make it a place of springs;
    the autumn rains also cover it with pools.[d]
They go from strength to strength,
    till each appears before God in Zion.”

Valley of Baca can also be read as “valley of weeping” and I feel like these words were written for me.  As I pass through this dark valley, on my pilgrimage to a new life, I am filled with sorrow but I find myself surrounded by deep wells of love.  The rain has washed away all that needs to die but has filled in the aching empty spaces with living water.

I too move from strength to strength.  Surviving on the hope-filled moments in order to weather the next down turn.  Clinging to my faith like a shield to protect me during this time of weeping.

This valley is cold, and I am broken.

But there is always hope.

Hallelujah.

 

 

 

About trinakhobbs

http://instagram.com/frijolehobbs
This entry was posted in Beauty, Blessings, faith, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Broken Hallelujah: Thoughts on failure and heartbreak

  1. Sherman Huff says:

    Trina my heart breaks for your pain but rejoices for the healing process you are now in. I don’t pretend to know what your particular circumstance is but I have some understanding of your pain. I too was broken but mine happened at age 42.

    Truth is I had been broken since childhood but managed to control things enough that I was able to function for many years. But finally I lost control and my life spiraled downward and downward. I was severely depressed, felt hopeless and was considering taking my life. The pain was so great that when I could sleep, I would hope I would just never wake up
    .
    Finally I crashed completely but was fortunate enough to have some people in my life that knew what I needed and got me to the proper people who could help me. I was sent to in patient treatment for 30 days and then came back and was in both group and private counselling for a number of years. Also Al Anon became a big part of my life.

    It was a slow process but I gradually came through it and now at the age of 69 my life is better than ever although from time to time I still deal with some of those past demons but at least now I know what to do to get away from them.

    God is a BIG part of my life and has always been although it took my “fall” to show me that I needed to totally turn my life over to him. But my life has been better for years but it is a process and you are already in that process. Your openness is wonderful and as you share you not only help other people and give them hope but you also release the shame. And remember it is not your shame but the shame of other people that you have been holding on to and protecting.

    If you ever need to talk I am here for you. I don’t have the answers but I can share my experience, strength and hope and I am a very good listener. Please keep blogging. I have been wondering what was going on with you. You are in my prayers. God’s Blessings. Hang in there. Remember that the 23 Psalm says “Yea though I walk THROUGH the valley” It says through not into so that means you will come out on the other side.

  2. Aubrey Klaseen says:

    There is always hope. I have had some crushing things recently as well . . . It sounds as if you are resurfacing now. My heart goes out to you. If it helps, something that has helped me is to take just one day at a time.
    Much love to you and your dear ones.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s