I have written and rewritten this blog post a million times in my mind. I have no idea how to share this story but at the same time I feel like I need to. I’ve never been one to hide from pain and somewhere in middle school I became an abundantly obnoxious truth teller, so having this heartbreak in my life feels like a poison unless I get it out.
After all, basically everyone in a 50 mile radius already knows the truth, it was all so public, and most others have at least picked up that something isn’t quite right.
So here it is:
Adam cheated on me.
Once 5 years ago and again throughout this past year.
My husband, the person I love more then anything else. The man I’ve dreamed of since I was little, my very best friend. Was unfaithful.
Oh my God…
How is this my story?
The facts are quite simple, but the truth is so complicated. As much as I want to write these people out of my life forever I can not help but recognize how truly broken someone must be in order to behave in such a self-sabotaging manner.
And I am absolutely consumed with the questions of why.
BUT, before you get too preachy with me please understand that I do not believe, even for a second, that I did ANYTHING to deserve this. I know I am not perfect but I believe that I was a damn good wife and far and away the best friend that Adam has ever had. I know that. Please don’t worry that I’m feeling small, or weak.
I’ve been accused of both and nothing could be more damaging to an already broken woman.
Because, in fact, I have never in my life felt stronger. I believe with all my heart that I will look back on this truly horrific time in my life and be nothing but proud of myself. God has given me a peace, I suppose you could say that it is a “peace that passes all understanding,” and I’m confident in the choices I feel him guiding me to make.
And things like patience, compassion, forgiveness–those attributes take a whole hell of a lot more strength then you might think.
Plus, you know the real sucky thing about Christianity?
I’ve studied grace, forgiveness, mercy, redemption, and above all LOVE my whole life.
I know too much about those subjects to think that they only apply to those who haven’t directly hurt me.
Every great “hero” in the Bible is actually just a story about a broken person that God redeemed. God used terrorists, murderers, liars, thieves, prostitutes, leapers, and yes… adulterers to demonstrate his undying love for us.
Do I believe these ideas I’ve been touting all these years?
Is the Bible just a story of convenience, a tool to use only when I feel like it? When the forgiveness applies only to me?
Or do I actually believe this stuff?
Here is where the rubber meets the road in my faith. Can I preach forgiveness to others but deny it in my own life? Can I recognize that I need a savior but hate others for needing him as well?
I will not.
Trust me…I am FAR from forgiveness. But I have zero intention of letting this heartbreak change me into something that I’m not. I will not allow this to make me bitter, angry, or on guard. I will do the work it takes to heal, I will not take the easy way out.
I also DO NOT AT ALL believe that in order to forgive I have to stay married either.
Please do not misunderstand my beliefs about Christ.
I am in no way obligated to stay in an unhealthy marriage simply because of my faith. That is neither Biblical nor is it socially enforced. At least it isn’t in my world. Every pastor and spiritual leader I have sought advice from has been clear that they believe that divorce is absolutely an option for me and they only want to encourage me to do what is the most right for my family.
And for now I’ve simply decided not to decide.
I’m leaving space for God to work and I trust he will guide me through every moment. One right decision at a time.
I realize that this post feels a bit cut short but I promise that I will be working all of this out on a daily basis. I love to write, I love to tell the truth, I believe that God wants me to share this, and so I will.
Here’s what I know for today.
I love a man who is broken. I will do whatever I can to encourage him to heal. That is the current right thing.