I want to take a quick moment to clarify a few things.
1.) I did not know about either affair until September 7th. This is not an “I forgave him once and he did it again” type of thing. He confessed to both at the same time.
2.) I am in no way under the assumption that if I were just a little nicer, prettier, or skinnier this wouldn’t have happened. Hear me, please. I KNOW that I did nothing to cause or deserve this.
SO, anyway. I have come to realize that there is absolutely no chance that I can get out of this mess without changing.
If that change is for the worse or the better is up to me to decide.
I can already feel how easy it would be to let this leave me bitter. I do not plan on taking this road…but I definitely feel its dark pull on a daily basis.
But, like it or not I am changing.
In fact, there are two rather huge ways I’ve already recognized a change occurring.
The first is that I am trusting my own intuition for once.
All through my life I have often joked about being the sidekick. All of my closest friends were strong leaders with big personalities. I have always been a bit of a tag along.
And I don’t think this is an all bad trait. I’m pretty easy going, I can hang with people that are a little domineering. I’m a peace-maker by trade so my ability to roll with it certainly helps smooth out rough waters.
The downside to my sidekick tendencies is that I’m way to eager to take other people’s advice as solid fact.
I have been guilty of being coerced into making choices I’m not comfortable with. I rarely speak up for myself. And, if this last year is any indication, I can easily be taken advantage of while trying so damn hard to be likable.
In other words, I can be a doormat.
BUT, for what is quite literally the first time in my life, I have found my voice.
I know what is right for me and, although I’m seeking advice from every source imaginable, I’m shifting through it all in my search for the truth.
This is hard for some people, but I know this is right for me and my family.
The second big change is closely aligned with the first.
I have a perpetual, and ridiculously embarrassing desire to be liked. I think that living just on the outer fringes of popularity had a really big downside. I was never really loved, but I was never truly despised either. I never learned how to deal with the negative comments.
BUT! This time around I realize that no matter what I decide, to stay or to leave, there will be people who hate my choice. This will be a part of my story forever and, if I let it, that fact could keep me small…forever.
Already my openness about this has alienated me from a few people. Does that mean I should stay quiet? Suffer in silence just to please the folks who don’t think the truth is very polite?
I cannot tell you how shocking it has been to have so many people reach out to me and say, “me too”. There are just so many people struggling through this, or similar issues.
Why aren’t we talking more about this? Where is the real benefit in all this hiding?
Well, I’m not. I don’t hide.
My story doesn’t own me, I own it.
I get that it can make people uncomfortable but there it is. You can hate me for who I really am, but I’m no longer going to mold myself into who others might think I should be.
There are just too many selves to keep track of in that scenario.
The blessing in this curse is that I am forced to hold my head high and pull my shoulders back and actually accept the fact that I really, truly can not please everyone.
A friend recently told me that no one will ever admire my husband, or admire me for staying.
And there it is?
Trina, do you need to be admired?
I suppose Old-Trina did. I think the Old-Trina would have cowered at the thought that anyone might think less of her.
But is making a life-altering decision, one that won’t only affect me–but my family, based on the idea “Which one will the people like more?” a good idea?
Of course not.
Brené Brown says that you should write the names of the people whos opinion of you matters on a one inch by one inch piece of paper, and if the names don’t fit then you’ve got too many opinions.
Well, when I first wrote my list I had six names, but after all this I realized I basically only have two. Two people whose opinions count completely–no matter what.
My son and my daughter.
Their opinions of me matter. Outside of that any positive opinion of me is just a bonus.
And any negative opinion of me is simply something I’ll have to deal with.
These changes in me were and are necessary. I was not functioning as a complete adult and this crisis has forced me to face that. So much has been stripped away which allows me to see the bare-bones of reality.
It is what it is, time to face the music.
This is Trina 2.0 y’all, And she’s not playing around anymore.