Where I’m at currently…

I’m a mess.  I am all over the map.  Throughout the day I swing from convinced I want out, to convinced we can make it, and back again three or four times a minute.

I am plagued with nightmares, I’m watching an abhorrent amount of television at 3 a.m.  I am flip-flopping what side of the bed to sleep on in an attempt to find a position that doesn’t leave me feeling so damn alone each night.

To sum up:  I am sleep-deprived, lonely, and emotionally exhausted.

My biggest fear in life was to one day wake up and find myself alone.  And I have never been so lonely.  One more fear is realized.

I feel abandoned in every possible way.  Not only by Adam, which is obvious, but also by the people who don’t approve of how I’m handling this moment in my life.  It’s an added heartbreak that I simply don’t have the energy to focus on right now.

It’s too much

I’m trying, and failing, and trying again to do right by my kids.  Adam takes them to school everyday and puts them to bed every night.  We go to church together every Sunday and spend one day together, as a family, each weekend.

Sometimes it’s too much for me and after one beautiful day as a family the next day will be absolutely horrific.

The pendulum swings.

I’m an emotional ping-pong ball at the mercy of my circumstance.

I’ve had the most heartbreaking conversations with my son.  My daughter is aware but much less affected right now.  My son is a deeply sensitive, emotionally open, and  beautifully souled human being who feels things… fully.  We’ve done our best to give him age appropriate answers but you do not know heart wrenching until you watch your children suffer and you can’t protect them from it.

It all feels like too much.

God, this is too much.

Are you sensing the theme here?

However, I have started to make healthy choices as well.  I’m meeting with a personal trainer, who also happens to be one of my favorite friends, and I’m working out with her two times a week.

I’ve completely redecorated my bedroom: new bed, mattress, rug, everything.

I lost 10 pounds in the first 3 days, but I’m back to eating fairly regularly.  I’m getting there.

Every time I think I make a move forward I realize how much more still needs to heal.

It’s a long hard road no matter how it plays out.  But I’m on my way.

And Adam is as well.  I have zero interest in being married to the man he was, but the guy he is choosing to be right now, this guy would be a great husband.

Adam’s current healing is his story to tell, but let me just say that watching him has been beautiful.  I’ve never been more sure of God’s movement in my life before.

I remember after my mom died feeling certain that the timing and orchestration of that moment was divine.  Everyone looking at it recognized that Godly intervention as well.

Well, it would take an entire book to describe all the beauty, all the miracles I’ve witnessed during this dark time.  The people God has put in our lives to demonstrate Grace, love, friendship.  It’s just amazing.  I’m so grateful.

And I’m constantly trying to realign my thinking to focus on that beauty.  There is just SO much ugly, so much pain, Im easily steamrolled by it.

But the beauty is also undeniable.

It’s right there, and it’s pushing through.

Bear with me folks and I believe it will continue to get brighter.

About trinakhobbs

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5 Responses to Where I’m at currently…

  1. Patty Wardlaw says:

    Oh sweet Trina~
    My heart is in pieces as I continue to read your blog. I haven commented, as I just don’t know what to say. That hasn’t changed. I’ve not been through what you’re going through, but my husband quit loving me, rejected me for many reasons. The pain was unbearable. I chose to live for my kids(2 steps) and that’s what got me through. That and of course my relationship with the Lord. I love you, I’m praying for answers, clear answers for you. I’d love to visit with you in person. I’m having some health problems, but when I get to feeling better, I’ll get in touch with you, if you’re up for a friendly, loving visit!-Be strong for your kids, but please be kind to you. I kinda forgot that part and now I’m trying to heal some health problems that I have from ignoring me.
    I love you Trina, I’ll keep in touch!! With love, Patty Wardlaw

  2. Mary Hsueh says:

    I’m thinking about you a lot, Trina, and praying that you continue to feel like God is in the middle of this season with you. He’s holding you up when you need it and standing right beside you when you don’t, ready to catch you when the ping-ponging is too much to bear. I’m praying that the sorrow won’t last long, and that the joyful morning will come quickly. I love you, friend. I’m here if you ever need to talk.

  3. kaye72978 says:

    Hi Trina- I found your blog a few days ago. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I know the discovery of your husband’s affair is still very new so as someone who has walked through the same situation 21 months ago I just wanted you to know that everything you’re feeling is completely normal.

    You love him and love doesn’t just go away when the person hurts us- even if it as deep as this. But that doesn’t mean you don’t hate what he did and that the devastation from it doesn’t kill you. Having kids and seeing their hurt and confusion makes it that much more agonizing and trying to reconcile the life you thought you had with the life that was actually happening is absolutely crazy.

    Those are a lot of strong emotions to handle. And no one will ever understand a pain like this unless they have walked through it. My husband and I both relied on our faith too and are also trying to rebuild our marriage.

    It has been a very slow, painful process and it will require so much work from both of you but I truly believe something beautiful can come from this- it will never be the same. It will be different but it can still be beautiful.

    I would encourage you to keep writing. I would also suggest going on betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com- if you haven’t found it yet. you’re not alone and in my first year I relied heavily on that site for clarity and support from others who understood this heartache all to well.

    Again I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I think you’re so brave for sharing this openly. A lot of other wives will benefit from you sharing your story when the ground beneath them crumbles too. Lots of prayers to you, your husband, and your sweet babies. Take it a day at a time. Time and grace has been our personal motto as my husband and I walk through this.

  4. Adam says:

    I love you and support you.

  5. bitsybblog says:

    ❤ Proud of you Trina! I wish there was more I could do, I feel helpless. I am just so so glad that you are a believer. I love that you are seeing beauty in this, I feel like you are one of a very few that would. Thank you for taking your time before making any big decisions. That shows your strength, your maturity, and your Faith. Please let me know if we can do anything at all. I can't wait to see you over Thanksgiving. Love you sis

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