I’m a mess. I am all over the map. Throughout the day I swing from convinced I want out, to convinced we can make it, and back again three or four times a minute.
I am plagued with nightmares, I’m watching an abhorrent amount of television at 3 a.m. I am flip-flopping what side of the bed to sleep on in an attempt to find a position that doesn’t leave me feeling so damn alone each night.
To sum up: I am sleep-deprived, lonely, and emotionally exhausted.
My biggest fear in life was to one day wake up and find myself alone. And I have never been so lonely. One more fear is realized.
I feel abandoned in every possible way. Not only by Adam, which is obvious, but also by the people who don’t approve of how I’m handling this moment in my life. It’s an added heartbreak that I simply don’t have the energy to focus on right now.
It’s too much
I’m trying, and failing, and trying again to do right by my kids. Adam takes them to school everyday and puts them to bed every night. We go to church together every Sunday and spend one day together, as a family, each weekend.
Sometimes it’s too much for me and after one beautiful day as a family the next day will be absolutely horrific.
The pendulum swings.
I’m an emotional ping-pong ball at the mercy of my circumstance.
I’ve had the most heartbreaking conversations with my son. My daughter is aware but much less affected right now. My son is a deeply sensitive, emotionally open, and beautifully souled human being who feels things… fully. We’ve done our best to give him age appropriate answers but you do not know heart wrenching until you watch your children suffer and you can’t protect them from it.
It all feels like too much.
God, this is too much.
Are you sensing the theme here?
However, I have started to make healthy choices as well. I’m meeting with a personal trainer, who also happens to be one of my favorite friends, and I’m working out with her two times a week.
I’ve completely redecorated my bedroom: new bed, mattress, rug, everything.
I lost 10 pounds in the first 3 days, but I’m back to eating fairly regularly. I’m getting there.
Every time I think I make a move forward I realize how much more still needs to heal.
It’s a long hard road no matter how it plays out. But I’m on my way.
And Adam is as well. I have zero interest in being married to the man he was, but the guy he is choosing to be right now, this guy would be a great husband.
Adam’s current healing is his story to tell, but let me just say that watching him has been beautiful. I’ve never been more sure of God’s movement in my life before.
I remember after my mom died feeling certain that the timing and orchestration of that moment was divine. Everyone looking at it recognized that Godly intervention as well.
Well, it would take an entire book to describe all the beauty, all the miracles I’ve witnessed during this dark time. The people God has put in our lives to demonstrate Grace, love, friendship. It’s just amazing. I’m so grateful.
And I’m constantly trying to realign my thinking to focus on that beauty. There is just SO much ugly, so much pain, Im easily steamrolled by it.
But the beauty is also undeniable.
It’s right there, and it’s pushing through.
Bear with me folks and I believe it will continue to get brighter.