I wake up every night at 2:45 a.m.
This morning I asked google why that was and google told me that “according to Chinese medicine,” either my chi is getting blocked inside of my liver– OR, I might have some unchecked anger issues.
Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.
Yes, I would say that I have quite a bit of anger and rage keeping me company most nights.
Yesterday I met with my pastor. She and I have a weekly coffee date to talk through what’s been happening and our last meeting was incredibly insightful.
One of my favorite quotes of all time is this: “The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want at the moment.”
So, my pastor/friend and I worked through what it is that I want most:
Number 1. I want my kids to be well. I want them to know that they are loved and cherished and of the utmost importance.
Which leads too:
Number 2. I want a healthy relationship with the father of my children. I want a good partnership with that man. I want the person who is parenting my babies to be healthy, whole, strong, and wise.
Number 3. I want companionship. I want to have a strong, wise, whole and healthy relationship. I want to have a life-long marriage with a man I feel both loved by and safe with.
And number 4. I most want the man I’m married to, to be the same man I’m raising my babies with.
That’s my list of “want mosts”.
So then…what do I want at the moment?
That’s an easy one:
I want Adam to suffer.
I want Adam in pain.
I want him to cringe when he looks at himself in the mirror.
I want his knees to buckle with guilt at the mere sight of me.
I want him crawling on the floor, groveling.
I want to throw stones.
(How you like them apples?)
The shocking difference between these two lists means that I find myself absolutely stuck in the healing process.
I want Adam to be whole…and I want Adam to be broken–all at the same time.
My pastor/friend pointed out to me that as long as I insist on keeping Adam in his place–meaning small and cowering at my sight–then he will never be the man that I want most.
The wise man, the good father, the loyal husband.
If I keep him imprisoned by the decisions of his past, he will remain exactly that…a prisoner.
And if that’s not hitting the nail on the head.
I want Adam in prison…and I want to be the warden.
I want that power, I want that control.
FINALLY! I’m in charge. FINALLY, the ball is in my court. FINALLY-FINALLY-FINALLY, I get to call the shots in this marriage.
And I’m gonna make this guy pay some serious penance…
Oh, but here’s what I know to be true.
I want Adam to work for my forgiveness…but God does not.
God does not require any works from Adam. He just forgives. All Adam has to do is receive it.
Adam is wanted and desired by his creator. He is a child of God and our LORD rejoices over the recovery of one of his lost sheep.
My God separates Adam from his sin, “As far as the east is from the west.”
A done deal.
The absolute worst thing I can do, even for my own happiness, is attempt to deny the redemption that my God so freely gives.
Trapping Adam in his past stalls out our healing. Allowing him to shake off those chains encourages him to move into the man God made him to be.
The man I want most.
Do I want to be married to a cowering, groveling man forever? No.
Do I want to be married to a man who is confident in his life as a child of God? Yes.
Can I decide to live the life I want most over the life I want at the moment?
I dearly hope so.
Ok…ball is in your court, Jesus.