While I was in New Mexico over Thanksgiving I had a three hour coffee date with one of my all time favorites. A woman I met and fell in love with my freshman year of college and the very same woman who introduced me to my husband.
During our coffee she asked me, “How are you doing this?”
And I kinda shrugged it off, but I’ve actually been asked this question a lot so here’s my actual answer.
First thing I did, besides yelling, “GET OUT!” Was I got rid of anything and everything that reminded me of, or was given to me by, or was touched, or looked at, by the other woman.
I gave away a bed she’d been present at the purchase of.
We got rid of vehicles.
I gave away whole sections of my life. Including multiple toys she’d bought for my kids…how dare she.
Then I cried myself silly in my big empty house.
And then I met with a lawyer.
And that lawyer gave me some very strange advice. She said, “I’ve been a handling divorce for over 20 years and I’m telling you, if there’s anyway to fix it…fix it.” Strange coming from someone who won’t profit from my staying married isn’t it? I’d asked my dear friend to come with me and pray for me during the meeting and I BELIEVE that God was with us in that tragic moment.
So, I went back to my empty home and I bought all things new. After Adam moved out, (which was honestly one of the worst days of my life) I bought a new bed, a new mattress, new sheets and blankets, a new rug. I put up new art and rearranged the layout. And for the first time in well over 15 years…
I am sleeping in a room alone.
I hate it.
And it’s ok.
(I chase sleep like a thief in night, but that’s a whole post on it’s own.)
I forced myself to move my clothes around my now half empty closet even though I had more then enough room already.
I move my couch on a daily basis.
And once furniture arranging didn’t satisfy my needs, I dove into therapy.
(Actually I never stopped therapy.)
I see my family counselor nearly once a week. I meet with my pastor almost as often. I have a standing coffee date with my closest friend in town. I have had multiple meetings with friends who’ve been cheated on and stayed and meetings with friends who have been cheated on and left.
I am an information junkie when it comes to infidelity.
I’ve read all the books, gone to all the websites (do you know there is a website called the betrayedwivesclub.com which is the most heartbreaking website I’ve ever visited and just kills me that I’m now a member of said club.)
I looked into Christian Mingle, it made me cry.
I moved my couch again.
I only listen to K-love radio so I don’t accidentally catch myself singing along to a song about infidelity.
The Gilmore Girls Revival made me furious.
I’ve asked for, and gotten, every single sordid and terrible detail. I know so much and it keeps me up at night, but I know…and that feels powerful.
I watched an amazing Ted-talks about affairs, I sent the link to my husband.
I started going to a personal trainer.
My sister had mentioned that when my mother was grieving the death of my father she got really into exercise.
I’ve only ever exercised at home, that sounded lonely and miserable. But the idea of joining a gym in this mental state sounded even worse. Then I remembered that my amazing friend, slash strongest woman alive (emotionally and muscle-wise), slash lovely-beautiful-and in all other ways awesome- friend is a personal trainer with her own gym.
I gave her a call and I’ve been crazy sore ever since. Onetime during squats I finished my reps and immediately started weeping, it wasn’t pretty, I was so glad to not be in a crowded gym.
Yesterday I got a manicure for no reason.
And these are all well and good, they are helping me a ton, but my real healing has come in a different form. One I have zero control over but one that is breathing life into me none the less.
That being Adam.
Adam has been doing so much and his healing is what is giving me the most strength. His journey is his own to tell, but let me just say that he is doing a lot.
And it’s the best thing he could do for our family.
Also, he started attending personal training with me, which proves how wonderful my friend/trainer is that she can whip our butts together, without judgement.
I love her.
There is usually at least one exercise that requires us to depend on each other and its brutal, and healing, and so lovely of her to force us into.
Waddling around sore together doesn’t hurt either.
It’s a random path that I am on. But day to day I just keep getting up, keep getting dressed. I force myself to shower and put on make-up and that makes me feel good and accomplished even in the tiniest way.
I’m doing this…
I’ve got this.