The hardest part to heal

So, I’ve been explaining all the different methods I’ve been employing to survive, and heal, and perhaps thrive while walking through this valley.

And, most issues I’ve been able to actively work through.  And I’m really doing well.

But I have one annoying lingering issue, and I could use some “real-life-experience” advice on this one, so please feel free to share your wisdom with me.

Here it is: How do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry?

I have gotten zero apologies from the other women.  I have randomly bumped into one many times and it is like poison in my veins.

I have zero desire to live this way.

I am not a person who thrives on drama.

I have made choices my whole life to avoid being this type of person.  The person who has to leave her favorite restaurant because “She” walked in.  The person who startles every time she spots someone with similar hair or clothes.

It is SO UNFAIR! That I now have a person I avoid.  That I am now part of the, “We can’t invite Trina if we invite so-and-so” crowd.

I did not ask for this.

This is not the bed I made.

I am a kind person.  I should not AT ALL be in this position.

So how do I accept this lot in life, and move forward without it controlling me?

AND on top of that!

How do I deal with the people who now wish to avoid me?

Unfortunately, a lot of lines have been drawn in my life.  I have had a handful of people declare that it’s either Adam or them.

And I understand.

However,

I choose Adam

Well really, I choose my kids. . . I choose me. . . I choose my family. . . I choose to follow where my Savior leads.

(And trust me, if I could explain to you all that Adam has been doing for me and our family you would understand my choice.  Hopefully someday I will.)

So, how do I now live in a world where a huge section of the population wants to avoid me?

I never thought this would be my life.  I didn’t make the choices that would lead to this place.

And I grieve the loss of the life I feel like I deserved:

I was always so proud to be with Adam, I mourn the loss of that pride.

I was always so confident when attending events, knowing that I had no “issues” with anyone there.  I grieve the loss of that confidence.

I felt like a relatively liked and accepted individual.  I deeply miss that feeling.

This is not just that someone slept with my husband.  This is the shattering loss of the life I’ve spent so long building.  This is the stripping away of many of the characteristics that made me who I thought I was.

And I liked who I was.

 

So… how do I forgive this unwanted life I find myself in?

And HOW do I do it when there is no sorrow?

Seriously…tell me.

About trinakhobbs

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5 Responses to The hardest part to heal

  1. Sherman Huff says:

    Hi Trina, read your post yesterday about forgiveness. So thought I would share my experience with forgiveness. Even went through an eight week course at church on forgiveness. Some things I learned: 1. Forgiveness is a choice 2. There does not have or even need to be reconciliation. That is a whole different subject and besides do you really want to be friends with this woman? 3. As long as you are waiting for her apology you are giving her all the power. Maybe she does not even see what she did as being wrong or maybe she just doesn’t care. Anyway u do not need anything from her to do your own forgiveness. In fact she may very well be sleeping soundly at night while you are torturing yourself about her. And finally there is an old saying that unforgiveness is like u taking poison and hoping she will die.

    And from the 12 step program there is the resentment prayer. The short version being Lord bless her change me. And I can tell u from experience that praying for that person is one of the harder things I have ever done. The last thing in the world I want is for that person to be blessed. It is not easy and it may take some time but you can forgive her. Why? Because forgiveness is for u not her. Forgiveness also does not mean you agree or condone what she did, u are just not going to let her live in your head.

    And finally I began to realize that the person I was resenting was affecting my relationship with God and my spiritual growth. Andi and I are holding u and Adam in our prayers daily. If u walk through this together and come out on the other side your marriage will be stronger than ever. We love both of you. Sherman and Andi

  2. kaye72978 says:

    It is hard- there’s an overwhelming feeling of injustice that comes with infidelity. You’re having to deal with all these consequences for choices that you didn’t make and had no idea were being made. I remember one of my best friends telling me- I’m doing whatever you’re doing – if you’re willing to forgive him I am too and if you’re saying it’s too hard and you need to move on without him that’s what I’m doing. It would be nice if everyone took that stand – especially since your husband is working hard. I could understand the hesitation if he wasn’t. But people bring their own stuff to the choices they make too. Right now I think you’re doing the right thing by saying the main relationship you need to focus on is your husband and children.

    I don’t know if I can give you any advice about forgiveness for the ow – I struggle with that too. I’m so sorry you have to see yours – that sucks! This is the most I can get myself to do. But I believe there’s power in prayer- so I pray to God that I want to forgive and help my unforgiveness. And while I have definitely not come to a place where I pray blessed for the ow I am okay with praying that God’s will be done in her life. If He chooses to bless her – that’s fine.

    • trinakhobbs says:

      Thank you. It’s definitely not fun to have to see her. It’s only been a handful of times but each one has felt like an attack. I haven’t spoken to her either, but MAN I wish she would apologize. I am praying for help in this area, I think it will take me quite a while but I honestly don’t think about her very often. Just when I see her I realize how much still has to heal. You are so kind to offer support for me in all this. I felt so incredibly lonely when I first found out, so you coming along side me in this is so appreciated.

  3. kaye72978 says:

    It is very lonely and it hurts for so long that at some point, even with the most supportive family and friends, you may get to a point where you feel like you’re burdening them by not getting through it fast enough. That’s why in one your first blogs that I read I mentioned the Betrayed Wives club website. I think there’s comfort in knowing that you’re not alone- even though you wish none of us were in this situation. It’s also good to share with people who get it- the mixed feelings, the triggers, the depth of hurt, etc and I think what really touches me the most still with all of this is the support women give each other even as they are carrying their own hurt. Not only do we come alongside each other despite our own hurt but because of it. We get how much of a toll it takes on us and our children – it’s a lot.

    You should be proud of the hard work you’re doing . The grace you’re showing through your faith. There will be ups and downs but time and grace do amazing things! Ha- who knows we might one day find ourselves forgiving the ow – even if they never apologize. For right now though- just keep working on your own healing and on the hard days remember it’s okay to give yourself grace too!

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