Hey friends. Thank you for all of your advice and encouragement yesterday. I greatly appreciate it.
I wanted to say that, as heavy as yesterday’s post was, I’ve had a great week. Which is really saying something when you consider that my daughter got hit with another lice infestation, both kids have strep-throat, and yesterday I rushed my son to urgent care because of intense chest and belly pain. It just goes to show that when you’re emotions and spirit are light, you can handle anything.
Keep that lightness in mind while we talk a bit about this next subject and, as always, I’d love your advice.
So, one of the consequences of this heartbreak is that I don’t sleep well.
I have a fear of all addictive substances, so I haven’t taken sleeping pills and I simply won’t, so that’s out.
I’ve tried listening to rain sounds, guided meditation, yoga.
I invested in one of these:
Twenty bucks on Amazon. It’s an acupressure mat. I’ve tried laying on it right before bed, I have worked myself up to 20 minutes and my back is dimpled and RED by the time I’m done, and still sleep alludes me.
I got a nice new mattress pad and blanket:
And like a true Colorado woman, I bought a THC sleep aid after a family member suggested it and I’ve taken one half of one pill. (If anyone is wondering, that’s the closest I’ve ever been to smoking pot. Like I said, scared of addictions.)
But my problem isn’t really with falling asleep, it’s with staying asleep.
For a long time I was waking up every night at 2:45. I talked with my counselor about it and he informed me that waking up between 1 and 3 a.m. is your body dealing with anger, and that instead of fighting for sleep I should try cooperating with it.
Cooperating is my love language. I will always jump at the chance to get along with–rather than fight, so this “working with my sleep” idea sounds great.
So, I tried to journal a little. I pray when I wake up. I try to take deep breaths and “let it go” with each exhale.
But if I’m honest, I really just watch episodes of Community until I fall back asleep.
I have made a transition however. I am now waking up at 3:30, and according to my counselor 3 t0 5 is your body processing sadness.
I feel like a lot of the issues I have in my marriage Adam and I have worked through. He is doing SO MUCH, which is crazy healing for both of us and is lightening my load everyday.
Adam isn’t the one keeping me up anymore, now it’s the folks I’ve lost along the way that I mourn at 3 a.m.
But I am cooperating to the best of my ability. I believe and trust that God is in control of all things, and that my relationships will be made whole–just maybe not on the timeline I would prefer.
I want things done. Like…now.
I have never fully lost my grip on the beauty of this life, and each day I feel drawn closer and closer to joy. I believe there is something truly magical about walking through the darkness and still believing in the light.
And there is something amazing about experiencing the truly tragic parts of marriage, or any relationship, and still being willing to walk into a partnership once again.
Relationships, like sleep, are not something you get to have total control over.
I can do EVERYTHING I can to welcome and encourage sleep in my life and it can still keep its distance.
So I learning to cooperate.