Remember the story of Jesus and Peter walking on the water?
Matthew 14:22-33 (NIV)
“Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying,
“Truly you are the Son of God.”
Ok, so here’s what I think is so amazing about this story. Peter was walking on the water, he was already experiencing the miracle. He was out there, doing the impossible and yet STILL he doubts.
He sinks, and cries out in fear and Jesus asks him, “Why did you doubt?”
In my last post I talked about Adam moving back in. I have since gotten asked how it has been going, which is such a complex question. My short answer is: it’s going good.
Of course that’s not all of it, so here’s the long answer:
I think for every step forward you take there’s a push back. Adam moved in which is great, I’m so glad to have him back. I honestly have always loved his presence in my life and I’m forever grateful to have my best friend home.
The push back is that I sometimes resent his happiness to be here, I sometimes get very angry about all the healing I have yet to do.
But my biggest issue is that I can get absolutely blindsided by fear.
I will be sitting back watching Adam cook us breakfast, or read to our kids, or we will be laughing together about something simple and I will be utterly overwhelmed with the most intense and consuming fears.
What if it happens again?
Guys, WHAT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN?
Adam and I were talking about this fear yesterday (not his, mine) and I decided it was time to really dive into it all.
(Who has two thumbs and has spent a lot of time in therapy?)
So, What would it mean if an affair happens again?
Well, I would look like a fool. All the people who think I’m being stupid for trying again would be proven right. I would have to do this horrible walk of shame all over again.
I mean…I cannot do this again. It has been painful beyond measure.
But, lets unpack this some more:
If it happens again, am I really a fool?
well, I believe I can only be a fool if I agree with the critics.
So, do I think that it is foolish to hope? Do I believe that love isn’t worth the risk?
I believe that God himself challenges us to hope, encourages us to believe. AND there is absolutely no denying that LOVE is the pinnacle of life, the greatest of all commandments. Jesus himself, was the very embodiment of Love and 1 corinthians 13 says:
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. . .
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
So, I choose love.
Oh, but Trina: “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”
Yes, lets get back to the “fool” bit.
If it happens again, would I agree with my critics that this time around I somehow deserved it?
Is that phrase: “fool me twice shame on me” true?
NO! Absolutely not, no. I mean, does anyone really believe that it’s actually the victims fault?
(I get that there are cases where a spouse will return over and over to an abusive relationship and TRUST ME I have asked every counselor, and pastor, and therapist, and lawyer that I’ve met with if that’s what they think I’m doing and guess what: not a single one has.)
If it were to happen again it would only make a fool out of Adam.
Choosing hope, and love, and grace does not make me a fool…it makes me brave.
I would simply rather be wrong for assuming the best in people. I would rather believe that God is TRULY capable of anything. I would rather live my life believing in redemption, and beauty, and healing.
So, I refuse to be anything but hopeful.
Right now, I am Peter.
I am walking on the water, I am experiencing my miracle. This man of mine was lost and is now found…I should be rejoicing.
And I am…
But sometimes I see the wind, I see the waves, I get caught up in the “what ifs” and I feel myself start to sink.
“Why do I doubt?”
Jesus asks. Why? When you saw me on the water, when you experienced it? Why did you doubt?
It has a name and it is the very opposite of love.
So, I choose love. And I will choose it again, and again, and again for the rest of my life.
It is down to Love or fear.
Those are my options right now.
and I choose love.