I feel like I am walking a million different journeys at once. The lessons I am learning this year are all so brutal and so incredibly beautiful all at once. I can’t really describe it other then to say that I wouldn’t wish this journey on my worst enemy, but I am a better woman for walking it.
One of the toughest emotions is feeling like I am not “enough”. That my love wasn’t enough for my husband, that my love isn’t enough for the people I’ve lost along the way, that my friendship wasn’t enough for the other woman. I’m not enough.
I’ve said that it feels like I have a billboard on my back that says, “Can’t keep a man.” Or “Must really suck at sex.”
The lie, “You are not enough.” permeates my thinking on a daily basis.
Then, sitting in therapy one morning, my counselor confirmed it:
“Trina, you are not enough.
Not enough for Adam. Not enough for anyone.
Adam needs God, Our Lord is the only thing that will be “enough” for Adam and you trying to fill that void on your own, in his life, is not helping. Not helping Adam, not helping you, not helping anyone.
Adam will only be enough with God. You will only be enough with God.
You cannot be daughter enough,
You will never be enough for anyone else.
Only God can be.”
You see. I believe that we all have a God shaped whole in our souls that only a savior can fill. And each of us on our journey attempt to fill that hole with something: with food, with sex, with alcohol, online shopping, perfect parenting, make-up, fitness, you name it. We can try to make almost anything our God, but none of that will ever be enough.
You have to be enough, just you and God. And when you find that you don’t need anything else to know your worth, then you can start really living. With no pressure on you to fill up anyone else, and no pressure on them to make you whole.
(Don’t you think it is interesting that “hole” and “whole” are the same word with opposite meanings? There’s a lesson in there somewhere.”
For me, this means being “enough” without any relationship-titles. I
am enough whether I am a daughter or not.
I am enough whether I am a sister or not.
I am enough even if I am no-one’s wife.
I am enough even if I lost my children.
(Now there’s a hard one, but after feeling the wrath of my baby’s anger when I wouldn’t let their dad sleep over I realized that I can’t guarantee that these beautiful-kids will love me forever. I’ve had a few very dark nights where I really and truly felt like there wasn’t a soul in the world that still loved me and I had to wrestle with the idea that I was “enough” — even if I was alone.)
I recently asked a friend of mine if she would be willing to write the word, “Enough” for me in calligraphy. I was explaining to her how profound that word had become to me, how it is a truth that I am fighting for daily and how much I would appreciate having it written down as a daily reminder to focus on.
In our text exchange my friend said she’d be happy to do this project for me and then she hit me over the head with a little more truth:
“You know what I like about that word too? It’s a turning point word, when something’s been going one way for a while and it is at a limit. “Enough” is a declaration that things are going to change.”
I’ve had “enough” of my old life.
I’m done trying to be “enough” for anyone else…(and failing.)
I will never be “enough” for anyone else.
And I am “enough” just me and My Savior.
“If you have nothing left but God, still you have enough…”
Enough, enough, enough…